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through the viewfinder of mental health

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Sunshine and clouds today. I'm so glad the oppressive heat has gone #mass #rotterdam #sky #skyporn #clouds #cloudporn

Whenever I fail at everything else, diet exercise, life, like today and well really this whole summer.....I look at this incredible little girl and remind myself I got the most important thing right. My happy, sunny, clever, beautiful daughter makes everything good 😍😘 #daughter #mother #motherdaughter #child #motherhood #mentalhealth #mentalillness #BPD #cptsd #PTSD #bipolar #pmdd #pmt #mentalhealthdiary #anxiety #depression #itsbadtodayiateallthesmartiesandnowiwantobeill #hatemyselfsomuch #tomorrow #reboot

Having a child has not made me less of a person. It has strengthened me, given me courage I never had. I refuse to accept that my brain won't let me function to the ability I know I can achieve. I hate the knowledge that other women have to suffer, struggling to develop their careers because their minds launch regular attacks on them. Because they had the audacity to become mothers. So what can you do? But fight back, helping other women fight back too? . I can't believe I'm doing this. I've gone from being unable to walk more than once around the block to setting up a social enterprise and charity. We have a name and a logo and a general concept and now I need to get funding for the thing. Hence our lovely short break to Zurich. I'm a way off still, but I've started. . Right now, after a day of meetings I'm lying down with the usual anxiety and panic setting in. My chest is tight, my stomach so sore. I'm not good enough. I can't do this. I'm never going to cope with this. I can't afford it. I will wreck my family financially. It's too big a risk. I sounded like a total muppet in front of serious funders. They all hate me. Everyone hates me. I'm shit. Worthless. Just end it all already. . Isn't it funny how that death spiral of thinking kicks in so fast? Guess what. It's lying to you. Look back at how far we've all come. We'll get there ladies, together. All good things have beginnings. Let's make ours today #entrepreneur #mentalhealth #socialenterprise #mother #motherhood #startup #mentalhealthdiary #parenting #mothers #bipolar #bpd #cptsd #survivor #anxiety #mentalhealthjourney #mentalhealthrecovery #recovery #realrecovery #daughter #motherdaughter

I did something very different yesterday. I actually went totally out of my comfort zone and visited a startup coworking space to see if it would be suitable for me and the idea I've had bubbling in my mind forever. I spoke to new people! I went and spent 3 hours working on my budget and business plan! . It was great, actually, to go and be in a space I've never tried before. I didn't push myself and I left when I felt my tolerance was reaching its limit. I'm paying for it today with no sleep, a cracking headache and my stomach in agony from anxiety, but I'm still proud of myself. I have techniques that will help me sort those out (Castor oil pack and stomach and fertility self massage, steaming, hypnosis and CBG oil to take the edge off). I can do this. We all can. That's what I'm out to prove. Small steps forward people, small steps ❤️ #mentalhealth #mentalillness #BPD #cptsd #PTSD #bipolar #recovery #realrecovery #healing #selfcare #mentalhealthdiary #mentalhealthrecovery #mentalhealthjourney #survivor #mentalhealthwarrior #workingmum #startup #empoweringwomen #socialenterprise #startupwomen #womenentrepreneurs

So a few quick thoughts on Brexit from doggo and me. I uploaded a longer video to Sky news today which was quite a big deal for me. If I can ever figure out how to share it I will, but in the meantime it was good actually to share my fears. Brexit has really impacted negatively on my mental health and is one of the main reasons we moved to NL in the first place, as I could receive treatment I couldn't get in the UK. I could lose my sickness benefits and, even worse, be separated from my daughter. Even thinking about that outcome makes me want to vomit. . No one is really talking about the mental health cost to those of us affected by Brexit. It's lost in a sea of arguments over trade and money. Important but of little interest to those of us who stand to lose everything. I hope more people will share their experiences on this side and thanks to @skynews for doing so much good work on Brexit reporting #brexit #iloveu #stopbrexit #mentalhealth #menthealthdiary #bipolar #bpd #cptsd #recovery #scared

I feel like utter shit today. Fighting a fever, so conflicted about getting older, whether I want/can face having another child, hating how the stress and anxiety of the past two months has totally disrupted my diet and seen me eat terribly. I default to crap when everything spins out of control. I'm pay for it too. This month, my PMDD was horrific. Anxiety over every little word written and spoken. I am so disappointed in myself for falling spectacularly off the wagon. The PMDD had reduced to almost nothing. One month of eating junk and little exercise saw it return with a vengance. . Yes, yes, don't beat yourself up yadayada, you've had a fever of 39 degrees for a week and no sleep, sick child, post ovulation hormones etc etc. I know the drill. But when your brain is actively fighting against you and the whispers of self destruction grip you, there's very little I can do but try to stay alive. . So this afternoon I stuffed down some Feminax and paracetamol and the two of us headed into town to give sick husband a break. We went to my favourite Kskincare store and bought me some goodies and we had schsffijs, this amazing Surinamese drink which reminds me of Ice Kachang. Shaved ice with a ton of flavours to choose from (I had orange with milk). We sat and watched the world go by on this sunny Sunday, sipping our Schaffijs, feeding pigeons and it was just perfect. There is no better tonic than spending quality time with my daughter. She's the greatest thing in the universe. . I will start again tomorrow with food. Eliminating all sugar and gluten had an amazing impact before. For today, I've minimised the damage. Hypnotised and ready to chill for the rest of the evening to bring the cortisol under control before sleep. Reminding myself of good things, cycle back at a healthy 28 days after a scary 25 days last month (I stopped Vitex, why did I take it when I have hypothyroid!) lighter period, the intense pressure of PMDD gone so I can focus for a couple of weeks at least. There's always a chance to turn it round #mentalhealth #mentalillness #BPD #cptsd #PTSD #bipolar #pmdd #pmt #mentalhealthdiary #weightlossdiary #weightloss #mother #daughter #motherdaughter

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