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through the viewfinder of mental health

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Heading off to my day at work omg I forgot how busy it is in the morning. Excited but oh so nervous and tired (child had a nosebleed at 3am!). . On the upside I began the reboot of my working life as I intend to continue, with 30 mins of running 👍💪 Stepney Green is far nicer than I remember! . #running #run #workingmama

Fuck doing housework. I'm spending my last week before starting work gaming. Been wanting to play this for ages + Bioware please take all my money and make DA4 🙏 . #anthem #gaming #bioware #excited

Best breakfast date ever 😍😍😍 #motherdaughter #motherhood #daughter #parenting #mother #realrecovery

A few things occurred to me this morning: 1. My baby stayed over all night at grandma for the first time in two years. And slept through! No wanting to come home at 10pm 👍 2. I promised her I'd take her out for breakfast at McDonald's if she stayed put the whole night (not the healthiest but bribery gets you everywhere) 3. I've been trying to get her out of tracksuit bottoms for several months now and into nice outfits. Jeans and jumpers, dresses, skirts and cute tops, dungarees. She's been super resistant to the idea in general. Not that I have anything wrong with her in tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie just not......all the time? . When I woke up and reached for my own trusty Adidas joggers it was a lightbulb moment. She's never seen me wearing anything else. Jeans is an adventure in newness and as for dresses and nice clothes never. I've lived in hoodies, trainers and trakkie bottoms, barely leaving the house, for most of her life. I finally unpacked all my old pre sick pre child clothes just before Christmas and she's always asking me to wear a pretty dress. I lacked the will or the confidence to do so until my lightbulb moment this morning. . So, for our morning date to McDonald's, pretty dress it is. Which actually fits better than when I bought it last summer. Now I'm going to be working I hope she'll see mummy in lots more different outfits so she too can find her own sense of style as she gets older. . #mother #motherdaughter #parenting #weightloss #realrecovery #recovery #daughter

It's been a while since I updated. Life has been....weird? I have struggled with physical illness a lot which put a halt to exercise and weight loss plans. Big money worries haven't helped. I start a new job in London at the end of March and suddenly the world of being open about my mental health got shut down again. Can't be open. I guess I'm used to the Netherlands where all health is totally private but I was shocked at how intrusive and unnecessary the questions were in the UK. But maybe it's a good thing, to keep it separate. I'm so excited to start work, have some time to myself, but I'm still struggling to understand how I define myself away from my two conditions. . We also start sessions as mum and daughter soon. It's distressing, to see how much bad stuff I've already passed onto her at 4 years old. She continually lets her little friends walk all over her because she's scared they won't play with her. I'm grateful we have access to such good treatment so we can start to unlearn all the crap I've passed on. . So yeah. Meh? I also hate it being 17 degrees in frigging February. Fuck climate change. . #mentalhealth #mother #motherhood #daughter #realrecovery #parenting

Things I have learnt these past 2 weeks: - schools are germ factories and my immune system sucks - I eat shit when cortisol whizzes round my body and my PTSD threat meter is off the scale. Well duh but when I discovered some cookies in an obscure part of the house and immediately ate two of them I was able to put the pack down. Because I recognised it for what it was. - I have got to find better ways to manage triggering situations - I can survive triggering situations. Not only that, I can conquer them - I've got four weeks to kick-start my healthy brain life shite challenge and get some coping techniques in the bag. Which don't involve reaching for the nearest bar of Dairy Milk. . Why? Because I have a job 💪 🙌 . What's to stop me becoming that broken creature close to death yet again? By recognising all of the above and taking steps to mitigate it. I'm not that terrified little girl living in the shadow of her childhood abuse any more. This is a role I researched and interviewed them as much as they interviewed me. An organisation whose cause I passionately believe in. Knowing there are shades of grey in reality, rather than the absolutes of black and white my bipolar insists on twisting the world into. Rather than running from traumatic incidents of the past, to accept and embrace that person who learnt from history and made it through the other side. To be a role model to my girl, who deserves so much more than the shadow of the person I was at risk of becoming. . So, we begin today. 20 mins run down once more and another 20 due tomorrow. What better place to build mental resilience than through running? Living begins now. . #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealth #realrecovery #recovery #running #run #bipolar #cptsd #PTSD #healing #selfcare #weightloss #workingmama #mother

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