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through the viewfinder of mental health

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It's gone 4am. I've been awake since 2.30, woken up by a dread that I'm used to but which never fails to terrify me, that my daughter isn't breathing. She sleeps right next to us in her own bed as we slowly redecorate her room, which is a blessing in disguise as I'm normally soothed by her presence. . Sometimes, though, it becomes a nightmare. I had to actually wake her up just now to reassure myself that she was fine. I used to get this all the time when she was a baby, continually checking she was OK. I could never sleep through the night. . The fear is paralysing. So much so that I had to get away, fully awake to ride out the terror and dread. My stomach is in agony - I always forget how much tension we carry around there. . There's not much to do when insomia and paranoia hit, but wait for it to pass. What helps? Hot milk and honey, romancing Bioware pixel men and my family fast asleep on the floor next to me. Snoring often bugs me but not this morning. My husband, daughter and dog are all making various contented sleep noises. There's nothing quite like normality to help bring you back to the present. . #mentalhealth #mentalillness #BPD #cptsd #PTSD #bipolar #realrecovery #insomnia #panic #panicattack #nightmare #anxiety #recovery #gaming #recovery #healing #selfcare #mentalhealthdiary #gaming #masseffectandromeda #bioware #mother #mom #motherhood #children

I posted this on Twitter yesterday, to highlight just how deeply Brexit impacts on my family, not just me, and to support everyone walking in yesterday's Woofrendum in London. My daughter is a Dutch national, as is my dog. I wouldn't be able to travel freely with either, especially not my dog. That matters on many levels that impact on my health. In America I'd be able to register him as a service dog. He knows when I'm having panic attacks and disassociating, and tries very hard to snap me out of them, by butting my leg or pawing at my hands or trying to jump up on my lap and lick my face. And he does a great job of it too! . I've had a very difficult couple of weeks with a government agency demanding we pay 9,000 euro for healthcare I thought I was already paying for. We only found out because my husband's salary was docked and will be for the next twelve months. We couldn't even buy food. We only found out it was to do with healthcare on Friday and we still have no idea what it's actually for. It's meant to be illegal to do this and not inform us beforehand. But of course it happened and we're only just beginning to unravel the mess now. Then I got sworn at and shouted at on Twitter by someone I thought was safe. So yeah, shitty shitty week. . But! I have discovered a new tool to cope with the disassociation - which by the way is terrifying when you're out and about with a small child. Today we sang the whole way round our morning walk with the dog, and then the whole way to school. Wheels on the Bus, How Much is That Doggie, Baby Shark - in Korean! - and I was able to stay grounded. When times of adversity strike, it's finding the little victories which get you through every hour and every day. . Plus, look at them. They're so damned cute together! . #brexit #stopbrexit #mentalhealth #cptsd #dissassociation #mother #motherdaughter #daughter #child #dogs #dogsofbrexit #dog #jackrussell #jrt #jackrussellterrier #parenting #parent #child #children #realrecovery #recovery #healing

I often tie myself up in knots about my daughter's poor diet. But it wasn't till today that I realised actually we've done a pretty good job. Today was emergency food day as we have literally nothing in the house. It was the first time in months I went into the freezer for some easy oven meatball and chips. I've actually done a pretty good job of giving her fresh food, veggies and fruit every day *proud*"* . The Dutch live off bread so I try not to beat myself up about that too much. She doesn't like cereal, she does like sweets and chocolate and ice cream 😁 she is 4! But crucially she also loves to sit there with a huge stick of cucumber and a mini mountain of tangerines and apples, happily working her way through it all. . Today she got a piece of cucumber and extra fruit. I feel less bad about her chomping down chips so long as she's had something decent. It's so hard, to not let your own eating disorders dominate her eating habits, but I'm getting there. She as ever, is leading the way for me ❤️ . #eatingdisorderrecovery #mentalhealth #eatingdisorder #parenting #motherhood #daughter #mother #child #food #bipolar #bpd #cptsd #realrecovery #recovery #healing #selfcare

A quick update to say that life is currently very difficult, through no fault of our own and I've survived, literally, by eating Rotterdam out of Reese's Cups and not moving from the sofa. It's so frustrating, to have come so far then sunk right back into the pit. Financial worries are guaranteed to send me into an anxiety ridden mess to the point where I'm close to packing my bags and saying, I'm done with this country, for allowing people to be so fucked over by the system. I feel the toxicity swirling round my body and in my joints. The migraines have been thick and fast. . Fighting is hard. But there is fighting spirit in me. My resilience is building. I didn't reach for the pills. I didn't turn it into a blame game with my husband and wallow in pity. We supported each other. Sat down, played games, got him into Mass Effect Andromeda. Did nice little things around the house to make ourselves feel better, like hang up pictures and mirrors. Turn the negative into a positive. . He got a lawyer today. I'm going to go to an 8pm yoga class tonight. Started on the calorie counting again. Trying not to wince at how much my skin's suffered from the chocolate binge. But you know what? You do what you must to make it through. I live to enjoy another day. And, at the end of it, that's all that matters. . #mentalhealth #mentalillness #MentalHealthAwareness #SuicidePrevention #suicide #bipolar #bpd #cptsd #selfcare #recovery #healing #realrecovery #selfie

Colouring in grandma in the book because she's the wrong colour, while singing to Wheels on the Bus in Korean. I'm so proud of her. One of those rare times I feel I get parenting right. . . . . She has this book called Paper Dolls which she loves. She also likes to point at the characters and call them mummy and Daisy. The little girl in the book has a grandma but 'she's the wrong colour mummy, grandma is brown' (my mother in law is Guyanese). So of course we have to correct the book. Representation, out of the mouth of babes. We should learn from our children so much more often. And in the meantime, allow them to correct the backward mistakes we adults have made. . . . . . #parenting #motherhood #mother #motherdaughter #representationmatters #multicultural #love #children #child #childrensbooks #family #parentinggoals #parent

Sunny afternoon doggo walk to blow away the cobwebs and toxicity. He's such a cutie ❤️ . . . . . #jackrussell #jrt #jackrussellterrier #dogs #dog #doggo #dogwalk #freshair #sun #reboot #therapydog #mentalhealth

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